Struggling with Ramadhan this year. Had the chance to attend a tazkirah at surau, conducted everyday by the Muslim workers' soc. Today's topic is about Lailatu al-Qadr, the night of 1000 months of rewards, which according to the speaker the bonus of the year provided by Allah. Usually we complain for having lesser bonus compared to others. So, for dunya we shout louder, but why do we strive half-heartedly for the bonus in Ramadhan? I ask myself, I gave so much time for work. So I struggle now to catch up, even my tilawah is stuck at juzuk no. 17. Tonight is already the 23rd night, how slow I am this year.

I have not burn myself, so how do I get burnt getting out of the holy month of ramadhan (burning)? I should add more woods and gas. A week more to go, will I make it?

Things that I learn this year,

a) I am today a father, so my time is split for more than 3 roles: a son to my parents, a husband to my beautiful wife, a father to my cute baby girl, a worker (too much on dunyawi and secular), a servant struggling to talk with God. For putting too much time for work, I nearly forgot how much I contributed to my mom every month. So, I hate to be told to do something, and cost me my time to enjoy ramadhan. whole last week had to bring back works, and sleep late, not to mention went back home late and had to break fast on way back home. Although with lots of responsibilities, still managed to cover most of 'em (tho admit struggling with time/focus management). You won't be burdened by things you are not able to carry.

b) Intention is most important. Though I can't read the Quran as fast as in past ramadhans, I should tell myself everyday, I go to work as an ibadah. Not because of me my family can survive, it is because of Allah I am able to walk and earn some money as a means to contribute to the people I love most, parents, wife, daughter and siblings.

c) Eat less gives you more energy. Today, I ate lesser portion. I feel fresh, enjoy my tarawih after a bloody week of work day and night. As I had done my presentation today, I went back home with the goal to go to surau and perform the tarawih bil-jamaah (at last). Decided not to eat rice, only bites of not my favorite munchies and a plastic bag of milo (wife belanja, thanks love!). So, eat less more energy, reminds the Quranic verse, don't drink from the river except just a sip. Those fell for the temptation failed to continue the journey (refer to war between Thaalut and Jaalut). Amazing!

d) You don't find but you get it. This is not just from the tazkirah I attended, but this is what I need to tell myself. For whatever we strive for, don't be so sure that we will find it, just strive that one day we will get it. Remember to say inshaAllah (don't say you will do a thing tomorrow/soon without saying inshaAllah). I thought I will not even pass 15th juzuk for this year's ramadhan, but I made it now at 17th juzuk. I don't force myself to find it, but I just continue reading without I realising, this year I feel that I can read better. It feels good to know that I can still read, with some understanding of the meanings, although I spent too little time reciting the Quran during months outside ramadhan. I am so grateful, feels like a miracle, another thing achieved without finding it. No more path finder, enjoying the walk.
-the ustaz told during tazkirah, you don't find night of Qadr, but you get/earn it by qiyam every night of the final 10 nights in ramadhan.
-a funny story, a boy (who is lazy praying and only aim to ask for wealth) waited every odd nights with a small tree and a bucket of water to see if the tree may bow or the water to freeze (based on rumors of the signs of the night of Qadr). until one night, the signs still didn't materialise, but he saw so many people wearing white cloths/robes, he thought it might be the angels. he chased and hugged a man in white cloth and shouted "Aku nak kaya." Then the man said, "Tunggu esok saja, nanti esok restoran buka kasi mau datang, kaya ada roti ada dal pun ada." So, the man is not an angel, just a mamak restaurant owner. So, you don't find but you just do it and you will inshaAllah earn it without knowing.

e) and many more...

Other interesting things raised during tazkirah:
- perform 8 rakaat of tarawih after isyak, then come back around 2-3am to finish 12 more rakaat. this is done in Yemen, and also done by Tuan Guru Nik Ajiz.
- you do qiyam at night for a short time, either half of the night or less then add with reading the Quran. even if you perform tarawih it is qiyam for the night, people always misinterpret qiyam with ibadah around 2-3 am. It is true that to wake up the last 1/3 of the night is afdhal al-waqt, the best time for qiyam. But, if you think some scholars do encouraged to do qiyam the remaining 2/3 of the night, considered the best time. So, ustaz said the last 2/3 of the night started around 10-11, but it's already sleepy hours for many. That's why ceramah can only last up to 9 pm, the most 930. if it goes beyond that, the makmum will complain. But in Yemen, Ramadhan is celebrated differently (1 example is mentioned above). Plus, you are also paid to do qiyam for the final 10 nights of ramadhan (paid for participating the ibadah camp for the last 1/3 of the holy month).

Owh God, I'm sleepy. Do I have the strength to continue my reading beyond the 17th juzuk?

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Enjoy a week more of burning month! Read an interesting tazkirah, try to talk more with Allah, make it a habit to talk with Allah in solitude, tell him all the good and bad things you are facing and struggling. InshaAllah, the habit will form a close bond between you and your Creator. what a wonderful advice. remember, Abraham or Ibrahim AS is khalilu Allah...what about us?

We are still enjoying the month of Ramadhan. Some people do reflect during this month, thinking how hard to change, contemplating why is it so hard to be the head of the family. Some do wonder responsibility comes with challenges. To change others starts by changing yourself. That is why a friend of mine, whose mother is an MP, told me they need not worry if the family is having problem, because they know they have people around to care for the family, so the mother is able to concentrate on her roles as an MP. So, not only you need yourself to change others, you need the environment which include people around you so that they can help to change/maintain you.

To my brother, you see, you imagine if you can think of all this back ago when you were in school. You don't just think about how you need to strive for yourself, it also for the cause of helping your family, if not for your ummah/nation. Now you realise how important it is to stand on your two feet with your own strength, no more support from Pa and Ma. They have been standing to support us long enough; when we were young they care for us; when we were in school, they check on us; when were in uni, they trust us. After all that, we should be free. Free in a sense that we should not make Pa and Ma worry about us walking on our two feet.

The reason why I ask you to help and look for the younger ones is because when I were young, Pa and Ma look after me, so in order to pay back all what they have given to me until today is by helping them to look after you. Now, it is your turn to help our younger ones. Money is not everything, our love to our parents is far more valued. This is the first step to lessen Pa's and Ma's burden. From there, you learn how to look after your family. The training starts without you remember when you actually started to stand and walk. One day, when we all become the pillar of our own family, you will appreciate the gift from Allah for giving us big family. Pa and Ma look after us, we look after younger sisters and brothers. The next step we look after spouse(s) and kid(s). The next step is neighbor, then the village, then the town, then city, nation and world in general. That is the path as a khalifah. Khalifah face khilaf when people disagree. So, even 1 word helps to explain the reality, you will be challenged.

So, we learn. Everyday we see and ponder new things. Like I said, 1 word has more meanings than what we think we already understand/know. That is why people like Bro. Fazrul said, you need to really understand what is the semantic or the meaning of the word that you choose because it can move you, and it thus move others.

I see now you have changed and learned from the past years about the opportunity given to us to live and change and to lead. So, continue on. Why not we continue learning Arabic to better understand the world and how things are related. E.g. when people say mustaqeem, you only think of straight path, but do you realise in the world mustaqeem there is istiqoma which is to be steadfast, and then there is also qooma, which is the word stand/perform. So, all of those things are related. Same goes with kitab, it is the book of what has been written, but the Quran is not the keeper of what has been written, but it is all about what has been read/told.

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We walk and think

When oil prices declined

Bet people are enjoying the news when oil prices dropped to a 7-month 5-month low, to USD108 per barrel. So, expect more fuel price lower adjustment to come, you dream. We'll see what may happen. Still it's a good news for many. But the truth is, when prices increased, they hardly come down, i mean general prices. Except if you have a deflation (declining prices), so the general prices could be lower in comparison to past periods. How do we do it? Reduce consumption.

I allow myself only to talk about foods, but try not to buy them. My wife teases me it's only 2nd day of Ramadhan. I said I wanna try doing it until end of Ramadhan, or perhaps be my old self again. I used to starve when I walk around town, but my mom disagreed for seeing me running to kitchen every time I got back home. After 4 years away from home, I changed my lifestyle. Today, I can't really stand feeling hungry, that explains my size today. So, not only I want to see deflation in general prices, I want to be my old me.

Another goal set is to read the Quran everyday. Used to compete with my siblings to finish the whole Quran before the end of Ramadhan (how I missed the old days, again). Hope I am up to the challenge. Been thinking how my parent managed his time, coz I am struggling with my daughter crying and helping wife to do some chores. Writing this entry is to tell myself, I have my parents as a role model for them being able to raise all 8 of us prove they are great! Not having enough sleep should be normal when you become a parent. Now, I face the same experience shared by my friend, you didn't realise you fall asleep just when you close your eyes, and the next already started when you open you eyes. It's fun anyway, always telling myself and wife, our parents used to stay up all day for us, it's now our turn.

Life is beautiful, hardships make me feel I am alive. The way we live explains the developments in the economy, how our shopping madness is translated by the general price level. But, raising a family is not about choice, it's about responsibility and mandate. I'm still too young to talk about parenthood. No turning back, I'm a father at 24. That's a fact.

>>> Masuk hari ini dah 4 hari Jihah tak 'beol,' Mama Abah risau. Harap tak jejaskan kesihatan Jihah yang sekarang dah 5.8 kilo. Hari-hari Abah angkat berat sebab hari-hari juga Jihah meragam.
>>> Abah selalu kata Jihah akan tinggi 6 kaki pasal Mama kata Jihah tinggi. Banding dengan dua pupu Jihah yang 3 bulan lagi tua, memang Jihah nampak tinggi dan besar.

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Bila sesuatu yang dicita ibubapa tak tercapai, biasanya akan didoakan untuk anaknya. Sekarang baru benar-benar faham sebab sedang merasa.