I'm so sad. Why do my friends share their thoughts that cause them to debate using bad language. Even when a friend of yours, known as an "ustaz", but the kind of words he uses in his page does not show his care and concern about what he is stating/vomiting has an implication on the ummah.

I do not get it. This always reminds me of the class which I attended last year, my lecturer reminds me that we should stop feel good about ourselves. I don't want to read bad status updates / tweets. It really breaks my heart. What I will hate most, it probes me to think why are they so carefree? Then, I start to feel am I good and better than them for not voicing out my mind like they are? I always remind myself of the prophet's words, "Say something good, or be quiet."

I am signing off.

I saw a comment, 6 years ago on one of my postings. It leads me to read the posting I made when I was in the States. The mindset was different. The feeling must have been different then. I think I was more confident of myself. The self that has disappeared since I returned back to my confusing world, I feel unfit in all situations. In all settings, I question myself how to react. It is very awkward to think what to say and to think what to react to everything which is happening around me. Even to a small talk by a colleague in office, I will ask myself, what am I suppose to say? Has my mind stop working? Perhaps, the more appropriate question is, why my thinking process has became slower these days?

I used to talk more to myself, then I spill it out on this blog. I used to share a lot of things to the world, but I rarely talk to others now. I even have hard time to convey an idea to anyone. I need to be more analytical. A prerequisite to the job I am currently employed. Not only that, it is a characteristic which I define as compulsory as a Malaysian, especially during this period where people are talking about change and reforms. What will be my contribution?

I hear people talk about their kids, but I don't share the enthusiasm because they talk about worldly matter. But, I'd rather join a talk about how to educate our kids better, a topic I find it challenging being a parent. It strikes me how easy I used to question others not being proactive enough to take care of their offsprings and even deal with the mess in the house (of course the kids' "leftovers" once you leave them on their own). Today, I find it embarrassing that I almost failed to question myself on the same subject.

Life is surely a cycle. Once you reach the stage, I then realize how hard it is to finish the game. This is not the same like playing a computer game, or Playstation. There is not tangible controller, not cheat code, no easily available walkthrough. But, one thing I've learned to accept is that no matter how hard you feel depressed or how good you feel thinking about the subject at hand, you will tend to say the result is all the consequences of your earlier actions. Not all true. In Surah al-Baqarah, it is stated that no matter how good you think something is, it may be bad for you; and similarly no matter how bad you may think of something, it can be good for you. So, no matter how bad you've tried to achieve something, but you never get what you want. The mantra is that, it is not meant for you. Not because you are not good enough, but it is not something that you should cry for not having it, it is just one of the goals you tried to reach but fate does not lead you to it.

This is why I am asking for Allah's guidance, if ever there is a hijrah (shift) that I want to make, lead me to correct myself and be stronger. I want to get better, as a person, as a husband, as a son, as a citizen of this world; and most important as prescribed in my name, as servant of Allah.

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There is time even when you don't plan to be poor, and no matter how hard you tried, you are still unable to avoid falling into the state of being poor. Why are we so afraid?

I want to start again

I want to remember how it feels to be a novice

A novice worker

A novice husband

A novice son

A novice student

A novice human being

Lately, I have been reminded

It is not about what we want to control

It is all based on what has been determined by Allah

At our side, we just need to strive for the best we could

We are supposed to feel tired

We should not relax

Life here is for hereafter

Once we have passed this stage

We will move to the next stage

Only when we reached there

We can finally say,

"I want to relax."

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Are 'fatigue' and 'tired' mean the same thing?

When people question you about your dedication to your work, you reacted unhappily. But, when you tell yourself you have not done enough, far less than enough, but you reacted to yourself saying "There is still more time."

Well, the hardest when it comes to leadership is to lead ourselves. We feel good only by judging our intention, not based on what we have done. But, when it comes to criticising others, we quickly judge their actions without understanding the real situation and the true intention. Guess, we are so good at leading our inner selves that we tend to ignore the fact that we have not achieve anything yet until we walk our talks.

I have been struggling to correct myself for too long. Sad thing, even in this Holy month of Ramadhan I failed to persevere. I prove to myself that I failed for another chance in Ramadhan. Guide me ya Rabb, guide me to love loving You, guide me to love those who love You, and guide me to love all actions which make me closer to loving You.

Not all jokes. Jokes but filled with sarcasm. That's the style. Well, I had to leave half way. The reminder given by al-Ustaz Ismail Kamus really touches all hearts. The funny stories to entertain listeners after 20-rakaat long tarawih. But the message is clear, the heart is created to "love" the Creator. Thus, remembrance of the Creator will calm the heart. In prayer alone, we will recite the word "Allah" for so many times. In the iftitah prayer, in the recitation of surah al-Faatihah, in between movements in the prayer, even during salaam when we end our prayer. If that fails to calm the heart, then ask for a different heart (I can't recall the name of the person who said this, mentioned by al-Ustaz in his session hours ago).

Guide me ya Allah, give me Your hidaayah that one day I can fully correct myself.

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In the department today, people say there is a problem with education system. But, I think the biggest problem is the heart. Heart is nearing death, not watered with zikruLLAH. How can we learn to improve ourselves if we keep making the mistake again and again. That's why we can't see the light, so far but we have the best tool given to us, we PRAY.

Call against blockade on Gaza. We all support the call. No matter how silent our voices may be, we support the move. No matter from which party or which country the call may come from, we give our full support.

Some call for rethinking. We say go ahead. Some say we will never stop. We agree. But if anyone call for a halt, we say not an option. We are not heroes, but we do care. We are not powerful, but we push forward. Not matter what, unjustice to the Gaza people need to stop.

On top of all the call we make, we shall relook at ourselves. The surrounding around us, have we done enough for our people? Why aren't we make any call for our own people? If we can't guarantee justice for our own "family" and "neighbors," can we say we fight for justice for the World?

Issues like poverty, hunger, violence, hatred, crime and all sort of social ills will hunt us no matter where we are and where we go. Being muslims, it is our responsible to care about all these ills in our families, communities, nations and around the globe. If we are okay with all these bad events taking place surrounding us, it is a sign that we have the greatest blindness, blind senses due to sick/dead hearts.

We don't close eyes on what's happening close to us, but let wide open another eyes on what is happening far far away from our soil. To feed our families is also a struggle, unless we have more than enough. To give alms to people is also a struggle, unless our left hands know nothing what our right hands do. To do good to our parents is also a struggle; one is because we do not live with them under the same roof anymore, thus we do not see them everyday while money alone is nothing comparable to their sacrifice to us since the minute we were born to this World.

Need to remind myself day to day, life is a struggle no matter for what cause it may be.

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Have we feed our hearts enough with fertilizers? What kind of fertilizers we give to our body, mind and soul everyday?