Saturday, April 29, 2006

Since when everything has become memorable? It's a reminiscence, aight? Probably because time is a great scarce. I'll be moving out from this room about a month from now. It seems my life here is getting short. Am listening to the FM radio, they sing "Who says you can't go home?" But what if you don't want to go home?

Been watching Kdorama lately. A catchy phrase which reminds me the Quranic verse in surah al-Baqarah. The dialog was about fate which you could not by merely thinking, nor could fate be changed through effort itself. It's a waste to struggle for something which is not fated for you. But, how could you know something is determined for you by destiny? Who knows, aight? That is why the best explanation is in the heart of the Quran. "You think you like what you want because of the benefits you see, but it might not be that way. Even if you hate what you don't want, doesn't mean it is bad for you." Coz why? Coz He Almighty knows best.

Sometimes, even if you let things go by itself, it might not be good either. When I think of myself, I always wish I could merely relax and lying on the wind, let the wind takes me anywhere and anytime, as long as it is possible. I do imagine if I were allowed to live in a place far from civilization, which I do hate nearly most of the time coz people are sick (especially me). Thinking back of how I was very close to 'fly' up about 4 years ago, it makes me realize how ungrateful I was not to set my feet properly on the ground. But, thanks to the heart, the hands, and the courage that allowed me to grab on the sink, and here I am today. Maybe the heart has a great sickness, or great emptiness which I believe most of human beings have, as the 'punishment' living in the modern world.

When you live in the modern world, you will definitely destined of becoming sick as you grow up. All the electronics and machines make your heart far from being fulfilled. If you hear to the music, you fill it with temporal excitement. But, to think of a possibility you could actually live without electricity, and without batteries, you might think of how quiet life would be up to the point where you think that you have a life of well-cared-for ruin and destruction, deep inside your heart. When you have license to drive, you are likely less attractive to travel by foot. Similiarly, when you have the opportunity to 'hunt' for foods in the shopping mall, you are less likely to use you whole body to do real hunting for food. That's how empty and not fulfilled humans are. Are you one of them? Yes, I do. Right?

Say, you think you are inferior than your fellow friends, you'll think of a way how to close the gap. There is a certain degree of distance when we talk about gap. So, you'll try to imitate their behaviors. That's why when you have emptiness in your heart, you tend to follow others not to make them accept you, but to make yourself accept yourself as part of the group. If you don't, you might be left alone, which you are more afraid. Why? Coz loneliness (and emptiness) is way more scary than being looked down. That's why a lot of sickness of the heart came from interaction with others. You are sick. You'll unconsciously inflicting the sickness on others too.

That's why one of the biggest social problem is hatred, or should I say jealousy? Coz, in one of the surahs (of the 3 'qul's) do teach Muslim to seek protection from hasad, which is the greatest sickness in human heart. Not only it burdens you, it could cause harm on others. So dangerous that we are taught to be careful and seek refuge.

Ah, what am babbling here? Hey, babble is close to 'bebel,' ah Malay language. This could be a sign I'm jealous too? Hmm...

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I'm a normal human being, then. Ain't perfect. But struggling from internal impair. Ah, words. You could play around anyway you want. Only the heart knows what's inside. But, what if you don't know and never could you know, what about that?

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