I saw a comment, 6 years ago on one of my postings. It leads me to read the posting I made when I was in the States. The mindset was different. The feeling must have been different then. I think I was more confident of myself. The self that has disappeared since I returned back to my confusing world, I feel unfit in all situations. In all settings, I question myself how to react. It is very awkward to think what to say and to think what to react to everything which is happening around me. Even to a small talk by a colleague in office, I will ask myself, what am I suppose to say? Has my mind stop working? Perhaps, the more appropriate question is, why my thinking process has became slower these days?

I used to talk more to myself, then I spill it out on this blog. I used to share a lot of things to the world, but I rarely talk to others now. I even have hard time to convey an idea to anyone. I need to be more analytical. A prerequisite to the job I am currently employed. Not only that, it is a characteristic which I define as compulsory as a Malaysian, especially during this period where people are talking about change and reforms. What will be my contribution?

I hear people talk about their kids, but I don't share the enthusiasm because they talk about worldly matter. But, I'd rather join a talk about how to educate our kids better, a topic I find it challenging being a parent. It strikes me how easy I used to question others not being proactive enough to take care of their offsprings and even deal with the mess in the house (of course the kids' "leftovers" once you leave them on their own). Today, I find it embarrassing that I almost failed to question myself on the same subject.

Life is surely a cycle. Once you reach the stage, I then realize how hard it is to finish the game. This is not the same like playing a computer game, or Playstation. There is not tangible controller, not cheat code, no easily available walkthrough. But, one thing I've learned to accept is that no matter how hard you feel depressed or how good you feel thinking about the subject at hand, you will tend to say the result is all the consequences of your earlier actions. Not all true. In Surah al-Baqarah, it is stated that no matter how good you think something is, it may be bad for you; and similarly no matter how bad you may think of something, it can be good for you. So, no matter how bad you've tried to achieve something, but you never get what you want. The mantra is that, it is not meant for you. Not because you are not good enough, but it is not something that you should cry for not having it, it is just one of the goals you tried to reach but fate does not lead you to it.

This is why I am asking for Allah's guidance, if ever there is a hijrah (shift) that I want to make, lead me to correct myself and be stronger. I want to get better, as a person, as a husband, as a son, as a citizen of this world; and most important as prescribed in my name, as servant of Allah.

______________________

There is time even when you don't plan to be poor, and no matter how hard you tried, you are still unable to avoid falling into the state of being poor. Why are we so afraid?